i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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