totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
