i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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