i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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