Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
