so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i drank out of a bidet.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
