Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
