I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
either way he was missing a nipple.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
