I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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