dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
