awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
even my farts smell like vagina
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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