he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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