he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
