I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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