That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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