I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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