the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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