Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
