We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
