I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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