you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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