WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She told me I should be a condom model.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
