I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
