Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
