I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
