trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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