I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
