I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
