She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
