So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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