If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
