I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She's the barista slut.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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