imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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