He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Mom said you looked used
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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