Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Are we still banned from the library?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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