I think I won the penis lottery.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Everyone says I win the strip club
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