i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize