Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
