Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
