my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
