I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
