If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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