YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
