Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize