my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
