Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
no, he came in my armpit
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
