just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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