apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
