My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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