Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
