you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
