spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
