Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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