Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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