if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
