Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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